I Warned You

"I’m scared. Nobody actually stayed this long to see the real me."

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If you’re seeing this, it means my replies are now quicker than usual.

We’ve come to a point where I tell you pointless stories and hold your hand in public without being self-conscious. I now laugh at your old school jokes and let you eat my coveted blue M&Ms.

Be warned, I think I’m falling in love with you.

This is not a compliment. This is a warning. If I fall in love with you, which I know I am, I might not stop myself in wanting to know the details of your life and I voluntarily share mine. I will lose control and will now bug you every minute with my worthless rant and countless tantrums. This is revolting for me. But we have reached an impasse and there is nothing I can do. Remember the time I value my personal space? Well now, I want you to be always there with me. Beside me.

You see the problem?

The comfortable walls I built for 5 years are rapidly crashing. I’ve implanted malicious thoughts in my mind that you will not be worth it and you have to remind me time and time again that you are. I was perfectly fine with the hook-up culture; in fact before I met you, I genuinely believe it was made for me. It was so easy to kid myself that love doesn’t exist. Now, all I can think of is you and not your dick.

You know, there’s no turning back.

You may be attracted to the idea of me. But in reality, this is me. I’m an insecure girl who over-analyzed things and worry about every possible scenario in life. You may not like this side of me. I will find ways to self-sabotage this because I’m scared.

Scared, I may love you more than you love me. Scared, that I’m thinking of another person other than myself. Scared, that I couldn’t have the luxury of killing myself anytime I wanted to because now, you’re here. Scared, that I couldn’t fall asleep because every time I close my eyes all I can see is your face and every time I lay in bed all I can think is your body next to mine and every time I look at myself all I can envision is us. I’m scared. Nobody actually stayed this long to see the real me.

I will end this.

I will find ways to end us. And I might not be worth it. But please stay. I will push you. But these are my demons pushing you, don’t worry about them. They’re actually nice. You have to be at ease with them. Know my fears. But don’t act like you can make them disappear. Just accept them and stay.

Please stay.

I cannot promise you I’ll be better. I might even be worse. But I promise you, I’ll be here breathing beside you. If you can just stay. So let this be warning. I'm falling in love with you.